I'm sick of being FAT!

Please allow me to vent and complain for a moment or two...trust me, it's well deserved.

I am sick of being fat. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of complaining about being fat and lazy. I'm sick of reaching for the beer and the bread (but they taste so damn good). I'm sick of being controlled. I'm sick of being watched while I eat. I'm sick of being criticized. I'm sick of being a damn disappointment. I'm sick of allowing myself to be a damn disappointment.

I know this sounds like a bunch of "poor me" bullshit. And I'm right...it is. You would think that a 34-year old woman with a wonderful fiance and two soon-to-be step-daughters, a new home in Seattle, a secure job with a Fortune 100 company, a masters degree in social work, a good head on her shoulders...would be acknowledged by her parents as somewhat of a success. After all, I have avoided the many social challenges, obstacles and pressures that so many kids, teenagers and young adults encounter in their lives, and often take years...if not their entire lifetime to overcome.

This is NOT to say that I HAVEN'T experienced my fair share of obstacles, challenges and pressures...but who knew they would from the people I love and fear the most. Do we ALL fear our parents? Maybe that is normal. I feel like I live under the pressure to be something I will never EVER be in their eyes. The truth is, I'm not really even sure what that is exactly. I don't think they really know what they want from me, and I can't tell you why it is SO important that I figure this out...I just need to, that's all. I do know what the important things in life to them are...and it is in this order. First and foremost...Money, and a lot of it. Yes, I agree...money is crucially important, but it shouldn't come before Love. And in their eyes, it does. IT REALLY DOES. I think they truly believe that money is ALL that matters. After money comes "weight". One must NOT be fat. Period. Not much else I can say about that...imagine where I stand in their eyes now...not only do I struggle financially (paying off debts and loan), but I am fat. I am fat. I AM FAT.

I've already scored a ZERO on the first two "important things in life", let's keep going. After weight comes "a jewish doctor or lawyer" for a husband. Well, I guess I just struck out...

I have no money. I'm fat. And I'm engaged to the love of my life, who is not Jewish, not a doctor, and not a liar...I mean lawyer. He is however a wonderful partner, an amazing father to his beautiful daughters (my soon to be step-daughters), and the best friend I have ever had.

I'm done complaining for the night. When I think about the last thing I wrote, about the love of my life, the things I was complaining about didn't seem so bad. I have everything I've wanted in him, and I just wish my parents could see this too.